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Listening With Care

1.  ...depends on this desire:  "I want to hear how life is for you."

2.  ...is not passive.  It is active, energy consuming, takes work.

3.  ...is not just being silent.  It includes responding, inquiring, and words or sounds that encourage and invite the other to say more, to talk about what is hurting, worrying, frightening, challenging them.  Listeners are acting in such a way that the talker feels safe, accepted, cared about, and welcomed to talk about anything and express feeling whatever they might be.  They feel no judgment.

4.  ...becomes possible when we give up the inner desire or intention or pressure to fix the other person, or to provide answers, solutions, advice.  The listener is not, first of all, endeavoring to straighten out another’s predicament, or even take their pain away----unless it is clearly possible.

5.  ...demands short-circuiting, or unplugging, the automatic tendency to start talking when feeling uncomfortable because of the other’s predicament or their way of talking.

6.  ...means noticing the factual information but paying attention more to the feelings that surround the facts.

7.  ...Listen to feelings is the primary agenda.  That requires willingness to feel uncomfortable, even distressed and perplexed by another’s feelings but resisting the temptation to deflect the feelings or shut them down in order to get into a more comfortable place.

8.  ...In order to establish a personal relationship with another person listening and responding to feelings is essential.

9.  ...Here are some words and sounds that show the other person you are in touch with their feelings:  "Oh no!"  Wow!"  "That hurts."  "Ouch"  "That is really sad"

Also groans, your tears, frowns, grimaces communicate you are in touch with their emotions.

10.  ...A formula-like sentence like the following can let the other know you have heard their feelings, accept their feelings, and welcome more elaboration: 

(a).  "It sounds like you feel really sad..." 
(b). "It sounds like you are deeply hurt by..."

11.  ...The art of listening is knowing when to focus on feelings and when to converse on the conventional factual/information level.  There is a time to talk.  Usually it is after good listening.