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Listen For Feelings

Usually we connect helpfully with others when we respond to their emotions in that moment.

The trouble is few tell us directly what they are feeling.  They talk about what happened, but seldom add how they are feeling about it.  For instance Jane says, "My grandmother died yesterday," but does not explain she is feeling sad about it.  She doesn't have to, usually.  Most clear-thinking adults move automatically to that conclusion.  However not all will name it saying "Oooh that's sad."

Too often well-meaning friends forget to say the feeling words.  Instead they slide into the factual side of things without giving a clue that they recognize the emotional component (sadness—in this example).  So their queries go:

• "How old was she?"
• "What did she die of?"
• "Was it expected?"

All are legitimate, caring, questions.  But the first response ought to tune into Jane's feelings.  Initially she needs a verbal hug ("Oooh that's sad.") then go on to helping her tell the story in factual detail.

I was standing near some people when a man walked up.  He said, "Battery's dead, anybody got jumper cables?"   I was impressed when a woman spoke up:  "What a bummer.  Sure, I've got cables in my trunk."

She acknowledged the crumminess of the situation first, then solved his problem.  A tiny detail the guy may not have noticed at all, but nevertheless she slipped a little "hug" into his frustration. ("What a bummer.")

Joe Vent arrived home on a hot summer day with the news, "The air conditioner stopped working on the way home."  Jennie Vent promptly instructed, "Well you better get it to the mechanic."

What Jennie said was common sense of the garden variety that Joe did not appreciate.  Her guidance missed the point.  Joe needed a small dose of empathy.  Jennie could have provided that with one word: "frustrating."  Then Joe would have felt connected with Jennie and his feelings understood rather than ignored.

NEVER "POOR BABY".  NEVER.

When I used the Air Conditioner example in a New Hope Telephone Counselor's class several suggested using the "poor baby" response.  Personally I can think of no time where this mocking expression could be appropriate.  People's feelings are not to be trifled with.  "POOR BABY" hurts, belittles, demeans.  Bystanders may laugh, but the targeted one forces a smile to disguise her embarrassment and injury.

There is a time and place to fix, to advise, to moralize even.  But caring people tune in for the feelings first.  The most focused land on the emotion first and name it, then move to what else is called for.

Study the following statements.

1.) Teen youth returns home form high school baseball tryouts.  He bursts into the house and says:

"I got cut.  I didn't make it."

What is he feeling? ________________________________________

Ordinary Reply:  "Well now you can put more time into studying."

Craft a brief empathic response: ______________________________

________________________________________________________

2.) 89-year-old man living in a nursing home:

"I will never go home again."

What is he feeling? ________________________________________

Ordinary Reply: "But Dad this is such a nice place.  They love you here."

Write a response that reflects his feelings: ______________________

________________________________________________________

3.)  A young married woman:

"I'm pregnant."

What is she feeling?     Nervous excitement          

Ordinary Reply:  "When are you due?"

A feeling-oriented response:   "Oh, wow, wonderful."          

4.) An elderly retiree:

"Well our house is sold and we're moving to Las Vegas."

What is he/she feeling?     Cautious apprehension         

or     Eager anticipation    .  Maybe     relief      .

Ordinary Reply:  "I hear housing is cheap there."

A feeling-oriented response:     "It must be exciting, but a little scary too."      

5.)  Your high school baseball coach:

"We've lost our first four games."

What is he feeling?  ______________________________________

Ordinary Reply:  "Well you'll probably win the next four."

A feeling-oriented response:      "So you're a bit discouraged."